| (no subject) |
[Sep. 7th, 2009|06:15 pm] |
I don't write it here anymore because I'm not sure it even helps. I feel like my life is plagued by disappointments and malcontent, where elation is but a moment in a century of time. I'm just not sure if I'm even capable of being happy anymore.
"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know."
- Ernest Hemingway
I remember seeing it on the wall at a Mellow Mushroom in Orlando and it made me smile. Another point I came across in class last week was "Affluenza." The premise being that those who have many material possessions, the affluent, are never satisfied by these belongings and always desire more. I think it's a somewhat humorous perpetual cycle mankind goes through. The poor wish to be rich, so that their monetary problems would be solved and life would be easy. But, it seems there is just something in the human spirit, for those who are aware of the complicated world around us, that finds more problems then solutions. Because, the answer really isn't money. The answer is there is no answer. At least I haven't found it yet, maybe I can someday be enlightened.
Some days my loneliness is more apparent, but it is always hovering in my subconscious. The truth is I don't have anyone I feel particularly close to, not that this is a drastic change in my life. It has been some time since I believed this void was filled. Come to think of it, it seems only after I had lost something did I come to appreciate what it was at all.
I feel out of place more often than not. I need to find a better way to release the burden of my thoughts. I long for someone to relate to, someone to stretch out that helping hand and be my psychological savior. I'm drowning with no life guard in sight, as a great white lurks awaiting it's dying prey. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 24th, 2009|11:40 am] |
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I wish I had someone to talk to, I still feel like I don't. I feel like my contentment and happiness only happens sparingly, but I guess things are better than before. I've noticed this cyclical pattern in my life of having good friends for a few months...and then it falls apart and I meet new people. I thought it was happening again this summer, but it seems it may only be lasting a month instead of a few. I can honestly say I didn't even do anything wrong this time. I wonder if people just get tired of me. Or maybe I just am never content doing the same thing with the same group of people for any length of time. Perhaps I need variety. That would make sense, I think. I become too reliant on people I call my "closer friends" and see them most of my free time. Too much of anything often becomes a problem. Everything in Moderation -Tower at Del Phi..or something like that, thanks Ms. Miles. I need more friends to disperse myself amongst. I think that some people think I have an air of superiority about me, but I hope it isn't overwhelming. The truth is I will hang out with most anyone who has an interest and effort in hanging out with me. I am just a poor initiator. I hope that I get some more clarity in my life in what's left of summer. I can't believe it's already "what's left." I need to push things to the limit a bit more. |
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| home brings the worst out of me |
[May. 27th, 2009|09:55 pm] |
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I've been here almost a month, I've been okay up until now, though mostly bored. But at this point, I can't help but feel alone. I don't have many friends anymore...home or anywhere. I feel that people judge me based on my past and have these preconceived notions in their mind about me before I say a word. I don't really know if this is true, though. But, I think it is a reasonable thought, though unfortunate. My parents have pretty much been annoying me since I stepped foot in the door. It was actually before that, when they came to Tallahassee and argued the whole time they were there. I wish I had a set of friends to rely on so much, but I just don't feel close to anyone anymore. Maybe I am afraid to open up, but I rationalize it all by thinking they really don't care about me anyway and don't want to hear what I have to say. A lot of people are just content to talk about themselves and only themselves. Basically, I just feel lonely and I'm not sure things will change anytime soon. Yes, I skipped my high school graduation. Yes, I wasn't at my Fall semester of my freshman year in college. Am I crazy? Probably no more so than you. I wish that people could move on, I did. Give me a chance. I may come off as an asshole or condescending sometimes, but I think I am just out in this world to discover who I really am and hopefully make some friends that I can come to trust and rely on. |
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| Religion |
[Mar. 2nd, 2009|10:35 pm] |
I wonder. I wonder about my life and whether there is something I'm doing that makes me suffer more than others. Is it my denunciation of God? Do I need to just embrace him(or her, I'll try to be "PC") and my life will turn around? I've heard it suggested before. Open your heart to God and he will bring you through.
Then, after those moments of vulnerability, I realize there is no way that any of it is true. How can there be this man in the sky who is able to watch all our actions simultaneously? He will judge upon our death whether it is hell or heaven which we deserve. I can understand the good in God, the benefits that arise. People need hope, hope for better things to think that being a good person will allow them to reach thy kingdom and be rewarded for their humanity and kindness. So, I can see the idea of religion serving a good purpose. Yet, this is often outweighed by the destruction and controlling device that religion can also become. Religion has become a justification for murder. It is really a justification for just about anything and everything one can do. A common day example is Islam. Islam itself denounces murder, like most religions, and certainly doesn't approve of suicide. Yet, fundamentalist leaders are able to persuade and control others to do their bidding and follow the word of God. If someone is so strong a believer in God, has such a great connection with him, and is on Earth to do his bidding, why would he only be telling other people to do it? The ability to control people is immeasurable. I can also see the plausibility of religion as a controlling device for the elite in more ancient times.
What is to stop the masses from overthrowing a small group of elites? What could stop people from stealing, murdering and other wrongdoings? Given that these elites could to some extent control a small number of people, they wouldn't be able to control a complete uprising and anarchy. But, religion provides. It provides a reason not to do wrong. For if your are not punished in this life, if we are unable to pursue you, you will be under the judgment of God and suffer his wrath. It's really a clause about maintaining order and keeping the dim-witted common folk from seizing power.
Another question that comes to mind for me is how religion can even be true? There are countless religions with strikingly different view points. Christianity, Judaism and Islam are all monotheistic, but they do not all share the same beliefs. They are only three of the religions out of the thousands(maybe even more) that exist. Many other religions are polytheistic or have beliefs in mythological creatures. The point is, that if religion is to be true, there can only be one single truth. That is to say, if one religion is true than all of the rest are incorrect and false. It can't be true that more than one religion is true when they contradict each other, as well as denounce one another. Even the separation between Catholics and Christians can lead to bloodshed, and they often see the other as misguided. Let us not even go in to the all the different denominations and complexities. Basically, my point is that if there is truth in religion it can only be a sole truth and it will not overlap. So, regardless of which religion is true(if one is true), this would cause the other 5 billion people on earth to be wrong and ill-fated.
Scientology! This to me should show everyone how ridiculous religion truly is. This religion, like all, was fabricated and has been proven to steal the money from many of those who support and produce plenty o' nut cases like Tom Cruise. We all laugh and joke at their expense, but there are serious undertones. I don't think any one who shall read this will become a believer in the fervor of Scientology. We can all agree that the ideas presented are completely ludicrous (LUDACRIS!).
The other religion I will point to is Mormonism. If you are a resident of the United States, you are relatively familiar of the name, but may not know the ideas behind it. I suggest you read up on Wikipedia and laugh. You could also watch South Park, which does a relatively good job in establishing what a joke the religion is. In summary, Mormonism follows the story of Joseph Smith. Joseph Smith was a man who was contacted by God and told that he must not follow any of the current religions. He was to create and spread the word of the book of Mormon, an alternative that was written by Christians of America. So, in addition to the bible, they believe there is also an alternative made right here in the good ol' U S of A, which beholds the truth of Jesus Christ's doctrine. Yup, so what is to say that I can't say that God contacted me and wanted me to write down his words and that all other religions were false, and only through obeying every word I say and crowning me King of the Universe will they be able to reach salvation? Maybe this is only absurd to me, but it is a major religion that has found a political role in areas where it is dominant like Utah. At this point, I think it is fair to look upon each one of our own respective religions. If what is in your holy book was not already declared to be fact, would it not be a completely insane book of stories? Books which include the word of God. Personally, in common times, anyone who says that God has spoken to them is pretty much revered as a full on lunatic, similar to those men in Time Square who preach that the apocalypse is upon us. What about miracles? Why were there only miracles occurring in ancient times that don't occur now? The only splitting of the waters would be seen in a tabloid magazine today. (George Carlin builds upon these questions...YouTube it) Why do good people die young? They also die old, so I can't say I am overly impressed with the idea that God needed them to be their angel. We are so much more educated, but still are lulled to sleep and content by all that is religion.
I don't mean this to offend people who believe in God, though I most definitely have done that. I just wonder how something which defies all logic can be accepted by BILLIONS of people. I could probably continue to expand upon these ideas because the ways in which I find religion to be a bunch of bull shit are innumerable. I just simply ask that you may question your beliefs without a blind acceptance that what you have been taught is fact. We are afraid of the unknown. We are afraid that when we die, the only thing that happens is decomposition of the body as a living heap of compost. I don't know the answer to that question. I can't claim to know for a fact that there is no afterlife, but I can firmly say that religion defies all logic known to man. I think that religion has created war and an infinite amount of horrifying images in this world. Maybe peace could be a reality without it, though that is probably more wishful thinking than anything. Do not walk around with a blind fold over your eyes, seek truth. |
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| I've come to a realization |
[Feb. 17th, 2009|07:28 pm] |
I feel like I have these self-realizations quite often now. Epiphanies of sorts. I could probably make a list of these break-throughs which all will be published in the near future. (Not.) But anyway, my most recent self realization is about maturity. I've realized that most people now are really immature. This isn't a shot at anyone in particular who I'm upset at or anything, it's just my perception. Even fifty years ago, I feel that you became an adult at 18, definitely by 21. In ancient times, once you reached puberty, the weight of adolescence was upon you. But, now. Now...maturity doesn't come 'til much later. I've come to see College as a Summer Camp for most people. You move in to your bunk, unsure of what to expect and if you'll meet anyone. You meet your room mate in the bunk next to you. You do little activities like bowling or going in to the movies in these big groups. Your parents pay for it all. I think the parallels are pretty striking, even if I didn't do so well in pointing them out. Anyway, I feel that things you thought were "cool" when you were younger soon become tired and boring. You grow out of these phases. Even as a child, I was always seen as this "model behavior" child. I was never really wild and actually listened to authority figures, etc. People would often compliment me on being such a "good kid," but I see it as I was just more mature than my fellow classmates. I am not trying to "toot my own horn," I really don't care about being the image of a model child. That's just how the image of me was often portrayed in my youth. Physically I matured early, as well. I was supposed to be 6'2, so much for that. I just feel that I go through these "phases," quicker than other people. In High School, I drank and I smoked. WOOHOO I'M SUPER COOL. I went to parties starting in probably 9th grade, "actual parties" that is, ones with the absence of parents and the introduction of drugs, alcohol and scantily dressed girls. So after all of this meaningless writing and exemplifying the diction and language skills of a College Scholar, I think I am starting to get to the point. Basically, I feel as if a lot of people didn't experience these things in high school. Many were always under the watchful eye of their parents and unable to make their own decisions (and mistakes). I just feel that the whole image of a "cool college person" isn't so cool. I played the game in high school, but I've just gone tired of the drama and stupidity. I guess I've just grown tired of conformity. From the outside looking in, you can tell what results from drinking and how ignorant inebriated people become. Again, I am not without vice, I still do drink and smoke, but not to live up to any one's expectations of me. I hate walking on campus and every which way I turn, I hear a conversation about how FUCKED UP I GOT LAST NIGHT. I honestly don't care, not the teeniest, tiniest little bit. All anyone talks about is alcohol. It probably doesn't help that Tallahassee is a "drinking town with a football problem." I am waiting for everyone to mature to my level, or else I will probably continued to feel alienated from those around me. I am hoping that in Law School, or somewhere in the future, our generation can experience that adolescence. I am guessing it will come as a sudden shock to some, when you have to live on your own, provide for your family (or even just yourself) and become self-reliant.
I am counting down the days until Spring Break, this semester's classes are kicking my ass. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 31st, 2009|06:32 pm] |
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I'm not sure what to do anymore. I keep waiting for things to get better, but mostly they stay the same. I keep waiting for some one to come along, change my outlook on life, maybe just to find some one who cares about me. I feel as if no one does. What do I need in my life? Religion? I feel so lost and alienated from the people around me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 8th, 2009|12:30 pm] |
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I have real trust issues. I didn't realize how bad it was, but when I constantly think of worst case scenarios of betrayal that even I know are completely irrational, it must be rock bottom. I can't even control it anymore, I just secretly think everyone is only here to hurt me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 7th, 2008|03:33 pm] |
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I feel horrible. Every past decision seems to have lead me further and faster to failure. Home was great, I cam back feeling replenished. But a week later, I feel more empty than I have in awhile. Home is a tease. It gives me expectations and hopes of a life I wish I had. But along with the return to the state capitol comes a return to my woes and anguish. What ever brief hopes I have quickly dissipate in to the nothingness that they were from the start. And the condition perpetuates itself. People think you're crazy, you think you're crazy. I hear people bitch and moan about their lives, and I mean I do sympathize with people, everyone has their own problems. But, imagine living with no one to talk to, no one to tell your problems to. No one to trust. It's a rotten life. |
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| "Every kiss begins with Kay" |
[Nov. 16th, 2008|03:32 pm] |
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What a nice sentiment. Not. I think it's pretty funny, though. It's like our wife will only kiss you if you buy them diamonds. I think about that every time I watch that commercial, how ridiculous their whole slogan is. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 11th, 2008|03:37 pm] |
then he walked away.
That's not really true. I just like that song. But I was just thinking about all those times when you are trying to think of a certain word, and your mind just can't find what you're looking for. Even if it's so simple, if you don't think of it within like a few seconds, you probably can't think of it at all for awhile and then you will just have a random realization, if that at all.
Don't listen to me. I ramble. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 9th, 2008|06:33 pm] |
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It's hard to live a life of solitude. I was thinking about how if something happened to me, no one would notice. That's not even one of those exaggerating and a need for attention or love. But, really, no one would know, or notice. It's true. |
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| hahahahahah |
[Oct. 27th, 2008|09:05 pm] |
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do you remember when people actually said things like "kewl" lol. as if that was a much cooler spelling than cool. lol I even remember those like AOL member profiles where people would have their own "websites" of like computer generated characters in poses, and people picked which ones looked like their friends and had inside jokes. I think for every friendship, there are a million stupid "inside jokes." I feel like it's the basis of their relationship. It's just like, every time you see each other randomly and have nothing better to say, you rely on your inside jokes to go back to those days when you actually could. |
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| Dreams |
[Oct. 24th, 2008|11:52 pm] |
Dreams are particularly interesting to me. Mainly because there is just so much uncertainty revolving around them. Are they manifestations our desires? Is it just extra emotional baggage? Our biggest fears? I even wonder how strangers appear? I guess you unconsciously saw that person in real life and kept a memory of them, or does our brain have the capacity to just completely invent someone? I don't really know the answer to any of these, they're virtually in the unknown. Whenever I like have a short nap, or can't sleep is when I remember my dreams most often and most vividly. I couldn't sleep last night and I think I woke up four different times each with a different dream. One was a stranger who like broke in to my house and and was like threatening to shoot me. I often have dreams like that where someone is trying to hurt me. I don't know. I had other dreams about past random people whom I haven't in a long time. In that way, it makes me somewhat depressed. I miss a lot of those people, I miss the days of old and how my life used to be. I wasn't particularly content then, but in hindsight things were pretty good.
I will always find problems with the world around me and be cynical, I think. But, hopefully I can minimize it and grow as a person. I feel so unalike my peers lately. I mean I can make myself relate and speak in a way to make people feel comfortable with our lingo, but I just hate a lot of how are society is. I hate how in college, the more you drink the more you are idolized. Everyone is so caught in their sororities and fraternities and all that. I just don't see how they don't realize how stupid all the shit they do is. I don't understand how people party as much as they do, but maybe everyone is different. I just think it's stupid that we're all supposed to like never study and be a bad ass, and party all the time, have sex, do drugs, smoke cigarettes. All these images just annoy me. I feel like people aren't really themselves and that a lot people are immature. But maybe that is how I'm supposed to be, but it's not really how I am. I also hate the need to obsess over being a "gangster" and being tough and macho and of them male character traits. Not that I don't despise the ditsy, dumb sorority girls. Blah. I am a hateful person I guess. I hate the molds which we must form to. Why is it cool to get arrested and get in to trouble? Worst of all, why is it cool to just act like you don't care? I would have to think or hope that people out there still care. But maybe I am just in a minority, I don't know. It just seems that no one cares about anything else, and so many just act in their own self interest. I don't know how I ended up complaining again, I apologize. The World Puzzles Me. |
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| Mary Jane |
[Oct. 22nd, 2008|07:52 pm] |
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Marijuana. Everyone has an opinion about it. I know it quite well. You're taught it's this horrible mind altering drug that will make you go insane and become a mass murderer. Obviously, that's a bit of a stretch. In watching all the commercials they put on TV, I am almost angered that they are allowed to deceive people with no consequence. Smoking weed doesn't make you hit little children on bikes when you're driving. It doesn't make you fat and a loser and cause you to live with your parents for the rest of your life. But, I really think it does have some negative effects. One day someone was telling me how they hated how life was when they hung out with their friends that smoked. Basically, they were friends for a long time before smoking. But, as they both grew older and both smoked, it just became the thing they would do when they were together. At first, I rejected the idea and thought it wasn't so bad. Still hanging with your friend, still talking and enjoying each other's company. But, it really is kind of sad and problematic. I've experienced it first hand. It's true. When you have friends that smoke, often times it becomes the only thing you do with them. You really become reliant on it as a basis for your relationship. I think it's cool to do it on occasion, but it really is unfortunate when it becomes the only thing you can relate and do together. I don't really write this with a proposal for a resolution because I don't think there is one. But I guess I think there are possibly negative social aspects to smoking. It's said it's something to "bring people together" and all those hippie-type thoughts, but I think people don't realize it has other effects, too. So, how is that you overcome your reliance on it? I'm not sure. People probably don't even want to admit that it's a reality because that would admit to a failure of the friendship, or a decline, or at least something negative. Regardless, I've seen it many a time and I think you should be careful not to let it become the only thing to do with someone. I miss conversation and activities. Just fun little things to do. But I don't really know what to do. |
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| I'm sick |
[Oct. 12th, 2008|01:01 pm] |
I'm sick
Maybe I have to clarify
I'm ill
I guess that doesn't quite do it either
Not sick in the head
Well, possibly
Not the coolest or the greatest
More like the flu
Stuffed, Congested
and filled with goo
I'm sick |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 9th, 2008|08:37 pm] |
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It's really getting increasingly agitating that I always have work to do. I have a test tomorrow and I'm just not in the mood to study for it. It's in Speech. I hate all those general education, bull shit classes. I really don't like school period, but non academic classes are a pet peeve of mine. If I am going to go to class, I would like to learn something useful or something that I'm actually partially interested. I really don't care that communication is between two or more people. Give me a break. Who gives a fuck? I also have more reading and homework for Monday. These past few weeks have sucked, the work load has been too much. I just want time to relax and chill, but it's hard when I constantly have some new assignment in the back of my mind approaching ever so quickly. |
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| The Beatles |
[Oct. 8th, 2008|10:06 pm] |
The Beatles are the best band of all time. No question in my mind. I think they really had something special. I'm trying to think about what it could be. A lot of their songs are just short and sweet. So many are like 2:30. There is just a certain brilliance in it, a great sound, a few quick verses but mostly chorus based. They have so many good songs and everyone loves them. I think songs now are too long. I always end up skipping the end of songs are fast-forwarding through them. But I can listen to every Beatles song which I guess includes some of the lengthier ones, as well. Maybe that contradicts everything, maybe not. I am trying to listen and expose myself to more and more of their music, downloading a lot of their albums. It's just music that is intergenerational. Everyone can appreciate it. There are not many artists which I can sit and listen to with my parents, besides SnOOp DoGG that is. I am thing them being under the influence of drugs got those creative juices flowing. I think that many of their songs were at the very least written while smoking marijuana. It's just when you think about it? What makes them so special? I don't know if I can narrow it down. Neither John or Paul's voices is particularly jaw dropping or talented, but they just have a really raw, pure ring to them. I don't know. I hate female singers in Rock. I know that's kind of unrelated and random but the two just don't mix in my mind. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 8th, 2008|09:48 pm] |
As a political science major, I feel I am most likely exposed to much more information than the common person probably is. I find myself learning about many of the issues and when it all comes down to it, I find neither candidate too appealing. It's hard to talk to people about politics. Many become psychologically and emotionally attached to their parties and candidates that they are pretty much blinded from bias. I am taking a Political Psychology and basically research studies all come to the say conclusion. 90% of the population can't tell you the positions of each respective candidate and their policies. It's about that. It's just about whether people can visualize them as a President. The truth is that no one really has any definite resolutions, no one can predict the future. There are just two views to each side, and neither is wrong, and people don't have a preference most of the time besides just what their party passes on to them. Candidates main and only focus is to get elected (or re-elected). Therein lies the problem. With a country which divided mainly on these party lines, you can't do anything drastic in fear of losing the support of the opposing parties. The best candidates are those can remain appealing to the moderates. But, I think Presidents and all officials really have no personal incentive to create change and rarely ever do. Representatives of specific districts do make changes, but only to please their own constituents. Never do they consider the collective action problems they cause on the rest of the population. Their pork barrel is funded by everyone but only given to those select few. Politics is a shiesty business. It also common practice that you also must bash and criticize your opponent, other unfortunate consequence. I am not really sure what this rant is about besides that Politics often make me sick. They are immersed in bureaucratic bullshit.
Politicians use hind sight to criticize and pretend that they would've done so much better. I don't know. I am not inspired by the political process. But may be we are socially advancing with our soon to be African American President. Though, I think he will be the only one for awhile. White America still isn't ready to concede. |
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